Monthly Archives: February 2016

5 Great Things About Giving Up Porn

I love myself

It usually takes around 4-6 months of sex addiction recovery. Suddenly you realize you’re not thinking about sex all the time, the cravings to go on the computer have subsided, and your brain gets “rebooted” to stabilize all those rambid  crazy neutrotransmitters you’ve been abusing when viewing porn.   Could it be that you feel — normal?

There are some tremendous things that happen to clients I’ve work with when this happens.

  1. You don’t have to hide or live in shame.  The double life is gone.  You don’t have to fret about being caught by your spouse.  You no longer have to erase your history or your cookies.  You can stop worrying about losing your relationship if you’re caught. Knowing that you’ve been duplicitous in your relationship disrupts the closeness and intimacy you feel.  If you make a mistake, you can admit it.  You don’t always have to feel defensive.  The best thing is that you don’t have to keep it straight in your mind what you say and don’t say.  You’re free to disclose the unvarnished truth in all your relationships.  It’s called integrity.
  2. Your health gets better because you’re taking better care of yourself.  You’re sleeping at night rather than being up all night looking at the computer.  You remember to eat regular meals.  With the extra time you have from not spending 5-6 hours a night in the “erotic haze”, you have time to get some exercise.
  3. You feel like you’re married to the woman you’re married to.  You know you’ve been terribly neglecting her, don’t you?  And she’s missed you something awful.  That problem you had with porn-induced erectile dysfunction is gone and you’re actually having (and enjoying) person-to-person sex with a person you cherish.  The sex isn’t just physical.  There’s an emotional element to it.  When it’s over, you don’t feel like you want the floor to open up and have you fall into it.  You actually feel good.  Close.  Nurtured.  Cared for.
  4. You get your friends and family back in your life.  Sex and porn addiction is an isolating condition.  When you were constantly preoccupied with getting your next “high”, or when you spent hours on end isolating looking at porn, you had no interest in being with other people because, guess what?  They might want to talk about themselves and you were so self-obsessed that you didn’t want to hear it.  You’re starting to care about people again.
  5.  You find yourself becoming interested in the things you used to be interested in before you fell down the rabbit hole.  Community service.  Jogging. Going for long rides in the car with the family just for the fun of it.  Spending time with the kids. Making a spectacular Christmas.  Participating in preparing meals.  Snorkeling. Reading a good book.  Dancing a slow dance with your wife with the lights down low in the living room.  Watching the sun go down.

The loss of control, the secrets, the hiding, and the shame, of God, the shame, is gone.  Sex addiction therapy has taught you a few things about how to put boundaries on your sexual energies but also how to forgive yourself and get on with the business of living.

Dorothy Hayden, LCSW, 209 E. 10th St. #14, NYC NY

For a Free 30-Minute Phone Consultation, Call 212-673-5717

www.sextreatment.com

 

 

 

Do You Have a Porn or Cybersex Addiction That’s Getting Out of Control?

Dorothy Hayden, LCSW, 209 E. 10th St. #14, NYC, NY

For a Free 30-Minute Phone Session Call 212-673-5717

 

Do you have a problem with Internet Pornography that requires  porn addiction therapy?

  1. Do you find yourself spending increasing amounts of time online looking at pornography or engaged in sexual or romantic intrigue?
  2. Do you become involved in multiple romantic or sexual affairs online at the same time?
  3. Being truly honest with yourself, do you think pornography use or online sexual activity violates your marital commitments?
  4. Have you been unable to cut back on the frequency of your online sexual involvement despite a thought that you should do so?
  5. Have you been unable to “stay away” from sexual materials, sites, or interactions that have made you uncomfortable or worried about yourself when you previously viewed them?
  6. Does online use interfere with home life, work or school (such as making you tired because of the previous night’s use?
  7. Does pornography use intrude on relationships that are important to you?  Have you experienced a decrease in your intimate sexual life?
  8. Do you collect pornography keeping hundreds of videos or images stored in your computer?
  9. Do you engage in online acts  or view other porn depicitng illegal or violating sexual actssuch as rape, bestiality or child porn?
  10. Has the time you spent interacting with friends, family and loved ones decreased because of your porn use or fantasy involvement?
  11. Do you lie or keep secrets about the amount of time you spend interacting with porn, the type of porn you view, or the types of activities you engage in online?
  12. Do you have sex – either in online or in person – with someone other than your partner?
  13. Do you become irritable, angry, or extremely ashamed when asked to give up porn involvement to engage with partners, family, or friends?
  14. Has the primary focus of your sexual or romantic life become increasingly related to images found in magazines, videos, or Internet activity?

If you are excessively involved in any one of these areas, or has had problematic consequences as a result of any one of these, it can be a clear sign that you need porn addiction treatment.

Involvement with illegal online sexual activity is always a problem and should be brought up with a professional therapist who is skilled with these issues.

People who said yes to one to three of the symptoms should openly discuss their concerns with a caring friend.  More than three positive answers indicate the need form more professional support of counseling.

(Adapted from Untangling the Web: Sex, Porn and Fantasy Obsession in the Internet Age; Robert Weiss)

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Sex addiction to become a mental health condition

Sex addiction will no longer be a loosely used term. A team of experts from the University of California, Los Angeles ( UCLA), have now tested a proposed set of criteria to define hypersexual disorder — more popularly known as sex addiction — as a newmental health condition.
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Senior sex therapist and counsellor Dr (Prof.) Rajan Bhonsle defines addiction as a compulsive ‘preoccupation’ with any activity. “When any obsession starts affecting major aspects of a person’s life and relationships, it is classified as an addiction. Sexual addiction, therefore, implies an inability to control one’s sexual behaviour despite its negative consequences. It leaves a person dysfunctional in all other areas of life such as study, work, relationships, social obligations, family life and personal health and hygiene. Some people have a higher libido. As long as it doesn’t make them dysfunctional in any aspect of their life, it is not an addiction. But if they have conflicts over it, or worse, are doing things on the sly, then it is a case of sex addiction,” says Dr Bhonsle.
Adds clinical psychologist Seema Hingorrany, “Sex addiction is when a person has a markedly increased amount of sex to feel sexually fulfilled. He/she also shows a persistent desire to spend abnormal amounts of time fulfilling sexual cravings. This obsession, or intense desire for sex, increases each day and a person struggles to cut down or control his behaviour in spite of the damage it causes .”

Diagnosis
Diagnosis is made by a trained and experienced therapist, purely on the basis of a patient’s detailed case history, which is compiled after talking to the person and/or his close relatives and friends. “There are no tests to diagnose sex addiction. It is as prevalent in India as it is in the West or any other part of the world,” says Dr Bhonsle.

Treatment
Counselling and psychotherapy (multimodal approach) should be done by a trained therapist. “The multimodal approach, which includes the Robert Carkhuff model of counselling, a combination of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) and Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT), has been found effective. Pharmacotherapy is advised for primary or secondary emotional problems while family therapy studies and manages the stress factors at home. It also involves close family members in the therapy,”says Dr Bhonsle.

“For successful treatment, it is important that the therapist is fully trained. Eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy can help those who have been sexually abused and have developed the disorder because of that trauma,” explains Hingorrany.

Being supportive

Family support is an important part of the treatment plan. “A psychologist explains to the patient’s spouse how sex addiction is a treatable disorder of the mind. Patience and support from the spouse really helps,” says Hingorrany.

Symptoms
Compulsive masturbation (self-stimulation) Excessive thoughts about sex
Multiple affairs (extra-marital affairs)
Multiple or anonymous sexual partners and/or one-night stands
Persistent use of pornography
Unsafe sex
Phone or computer sex (cybersex)
Indulging in prostitution or visiting prostitutes
Obsessive dating through personal ads
Voyeurism and/or stalking
Sexual harassment, molestation and rape (in extreme cases)

This from my e-mail:

I’m 22 years old. I began looking at porn on the internet when I was around 9- years- old. I have  looked at porn  since then, and I think this is a big part of why I have always had trouble with women.  I’ve never been able to have a meaningful connection with a woman.

I’ve had sex with many partners(short term dating, one-night stands) but usually I don’t continue to see them as I get bored or have a disconnect. Every woman I see, all I can think about is having sex with them and for this reason I don’t have any female  friends.

I’ve noticed over the last year,  that I have a huge craving for sex but when I do have sex, it isn’t very pleasurable. And I’m always watching pornography and masturbating. I’ve tried to quit masturbating and porn before but only lasted a week at most.

I really want to quit watching porn and masturbating so much. This is why I approached you.  I plan to not have sex, not masturbate, and not watch porn for the next few weeks to see if it will help clear my mind.

Does you have any tips or advice? I really want to develop meaningful relationships with people, especially women, but this problem is really hindering my ability to do so.

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I’ve asked this person for permission

The Travesty of Porn Addiction

The statistics are truly staggering.

• Every second $3,075.64 is being spent on pornography.

• Every second 28,258 internet users are engaged in porn addiction therapy.

• Every 39 minutes a new pornographic video is being created in the U.S.

• According to US News and World Report, the pornography industry takes in more than $10 billion a year, which is more than rock and country music, and more than all Broadway productions, theater, ballet, jazz and classical music combined.

• Eighty percent of our children age 15-17 have had multiple hard-core exposures to internet porn.

• With $10 billion to $14 billion in annual sales, Frank Rich from the New York Times suggests that pornography is bigger than any of the major league sports, perhaps bigger than Hollywood!!!

Since the internet went mainstream only 20 years ago, its accessibility, affordability and anonymity has spawned an eruption in the numbers of people seeking porn addiction treatment. The increased variety of internet-based sexual content, together with the explosion of sexual “hooking up” via smart phone apps and social media is veritably changing the nature of human sexuality.

And what of the personal costs of internet pornography? Newsweek says “It wrecks, marriages, destroys careers, and saps self-worth.”

Talk to Us. We Can Help You.

Call 212/673-5717

 

 

www.sextreatment.com