Rationalization: The Fuel of Denial, The Bedrock of Addiction


Reclaim Sexual Sanity:  Find Recovery Now by Calling 212-673-5717 for an Initial Consultation.  See www.sextreatment.com for 35 full-length articles about sex addiction and for details about my private practice.

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Addiction is such a bitch to beat.
Part-and-parcel of having a sex addiction is the defense mechanism of denial.  In AA they used to say denial means “Don’t Even Know I‘m Lying”.
And you don’t!!!  The pleasure is so compelling that the addiction beast masks reality because, above all else, you need access to your supply.  Sex addiction changes the grooves in your brain that so as to generate  a series of distorted perceptions.  It is these perceptions, or underlying dysfunctional beliefs, that fuel and maintain your addiction.
Perhaps you can begin to witness some of these distortions (also called rationalizations) that occur to you as you think about or engage in sexual acting out.  Here are some.  I’m sure you can add a few of your own.
  • “I’m not hurting anyone.” (Except yourself, your self-esteem, your human dignity, your sense of having a legitimate place in the world, your partner, your children, your friends, your family and your employer.)
  • “I’m oversexed.  I have a high sex drive.”  (What, exactly, does that mean anyway?  That you place more importance on sexual gratification than the other guy?  You bet you do.)
  • I can keep this secret to myself.  No one will ever know.” (Except for that deep, nagging feeling that you’re betraying everything that’s best in you — including your core values.)
  • All guys do it.”  Yes, most do.  But  80% of men who look at porn don’t do it in a destructive way.  Just your luck you’re part of the 20%, eh?  Anyway,  do we really want to evaluate the dignity of our own behaviors according to the culturally sanctioned, primitive and offensive, behavior of “most men”?  Aren’t we just a bit of a cut above?)
  • “If I don’t get sexual release, I won’t be able to function.” Oh, God I love this one. (Or the top of your head will blow off???  The is a VERY common belief that men have.  ‘I MUST have it!  I simply MUST’.  Yea, or else what?  The reality is that sexual release for the sake of sexual release is not based on a real need.  Yea, I get it – it feels damn good and you WANNA have it.  But do you know what?  Plenty of people of the male variety do just fine without having the compulsory  orgasm.  Other cultures value not releasing sexual energy so the men can sublimate that energy for enlightenment.  Even in our Western culture there are men who live in peace and contentment within the parameters of their religious/spiritual lifestyles.  Some young people choose not to have sex before marriage, although I’m not quite sure where they live — certainly not here in the East Village — but they remain erotically connected to each other through holding hands or the way they look at each other.  You’ll note that none of these things require orgasm.)
  • “It’s just a machine.  IT’S NOT CHEATING.”  (Oh, how I love that one.  Here’s a newsflash.  It IS cheating because you’re siphoning  off your erotic energies into an arena that does’t involve the woman you love.  You jeopardize the loss of all sexual interest in your partner.  After all, who could compete with the likes of the stuff you’ve been up to?  AND, if you don’t think it’s cheating, just ask your wife or girlfriend.  Believe me.  I’ve seen it countless times over.  Women become devastated  over your involvement with  porn/cybersex.  For some, it totally rocks their world.
  • “It must be OK for me to stay up all night acting out.  I’m still doing well in work/school.”  (Who are you kidding?  Sleep deprivation makes people psychotic, never mind the toll it takes in  concentration and productivity.)
  • Just one more time won’t hurt.”  Ah, the battle cry of the entrenched addict.  I hate to tell you but the pleasure, stimulation and comfort you receive from sex addiction is VERY reinforcing.  For instance, every time a smoker takes a puff and receives pleasure, it fortifies his slavery to the wicked weed.  The perceived pleasure conditions him to continue in his addiction. ‘Just one more time’ keeps you in the addiction head — and just that much further away from the sexual sanity you seek.)
I could go on and on and perhaps I will in another post.  There are just oh so many rationalizations for sex addiction.
These rationalizations are thought patterns of which you may not even be aware.  That’s why you can’t beat this thing on your own.  You need a presence outside of your own addicted personality to help you see the power that denial and rationalizations have over you.
You can’t jump over your own knees and you can’t heal yourself from addiction.  Get outside support.
If you’re interested in treatment, contact me at dorothyhayden1231@gmail.com for a free 30-minute consultation.
 
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